Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

   Whoever is controlling me at this game sucks ...

   Question, Does the term don't drop the soap in jail apply to women prisons?

   Don’t worry, someday the other one will drop.

   why is it that we Park in a Driveway and Drive in a Parkway?

   Q. What individual did the biggest favor ever for two people? A. The one who stood up when the minister said, 'Speak now, or forever hold your peace.'

   Halloween Tip: Before you say, "Great zombie costume!" make sure the person isn't just incredibly ugly.

   Nice tree dad, are you going to put it up yourself? No, I'm going to set it up in the house...

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.

   Aliens: Planet Earth is strange. The male of the human species' primary focus is to insert a body part into a stench filled opening of a female body part. There are exceptions that also make no sense..

   Remember this: Johnny Depp is a superior actor over Amber Heard. This also applies to courtroom direct and cross examinations.

   In an Ironically turn of events, Ford recalled 43,000 white Ford Broncos yesterday. OK I made up the white part.

   My Grief Counselor died today. He was so good.. I don't even care!

   Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main course mam? Me: ok, but no tongue

   Filled up my car last week $110 but drove off without paying. I was up in court today and got fined $75. Follow me for more tips.

   President Thomas Jefferson once said, never believe anything you read on the internet.

   If Trump's critics are so skilled in finance, economics, science, negotiations, data analysis, and removing government waste, why are they also whining over struggling to find a job?

   Aww poor baby! Do you want some cheese with your wine?

   Let's face it. Juneteeth is merely a replacement for a non-existent holiday in their culture... Father's Day.

   neurosurgeon: *removes Gary Koenig brain to blow on it and put it back in*