Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is not fair. But it's not fair for everybody. So really it IS fair.

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the

   The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but you should always check.

   The worst marketing blunder in history was not putting cassette decks in cell phones.

   it’s 2025. why do we not have caffeinated mashed potatoes yet?

   Inside every female body builder, is a man wanting to get out.

   Showing too much cleavage makes you look like an ass.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.

   I have Borderline Personality Disorder. My personality becomes disordered when illegals cross our borderline.

   I’m not sure what to wear to the living room for New Year’s Eve. I might not even go.

   Told my Cat I was going to teach him English today....He looked up and said... Me? How?

   Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

   Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

   Do I block the raging drunkard that trolls my page or do I let him ramble so he doesn’t sh00t up his local piggly wiggly?

   Pickles are great..until you’re in one.

   Where's the "cheaper groceries and gas" people who trolled lefties online for years about fixing the economy? Where are all the “know it all” neckbeard dads and blond haired moms who voted for him? These losers seemed to have allllllllll disappeared..

   Pissing them off is SOOO f'ing funny lmfaoooo. Fragile little snowflake cupcake Karens who cannot STAND the fact that we scared all of their little red-capped friends away 😂

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Four of my neighbors have disappeared.

   My smart mouth always gets me in trouble. And if it's not my mouth, it's my facial expressions.

   Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.