Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though .

   Let's face it, your life's probably not all that exciting if you're looking at your phone all the time updating how exciting it is.

   ALDI: "We bring you discounted prices on all your grocery store needs. But, we have to draw the line somewhere, so no plastic bags for you to carry your discounted grocery store needs home."

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   That awkward moment when you're absolute SURE you're gonna die after leaning your chair back too far

   Felon47 lost three huge rulings yesterday. 24,000 federal workers return to work in 18 different agencies; The reinstatement of the USAID; trans people can serve in the military..... What a loser hahahahaha

   My patience is basically like a Gift Card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.

   A Disney fairy tale has the line "And they lived happily ever after". A modern day fairy tale has the line "If elected I promise."

   In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a guy in Germany He said, 'Cut it out.'

   I have an assignment to translate a classic English poem into Spanish. So far I've come up with: Frijoles, frijoles, la fruta del musico. El mas usted consuma, el mas usted sonada breve.

   Dear Santa, I was good at being NAUGHTY. Does that count for anything?

   If rapey Dons name weren't all over the Epstein files? They would have been released un-redacted, printed and bound in $200 special editions signed by him, recorded as an audio book by Mel Gibson and Hulk Hogan with Soundtrack by Kid Rock and Ted Nugent,

   The Backstreet Boys are now doing Downy fabric softener commercials, which means their career is officially over.

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in

   Saw a news story today about a woman breaking down in tears getting harassed in a parking lot for driving a cyber truck. Tee hee 🤭

   I am exceptionally proficient with profanity. Some say It’s a gift….I say it’s a curse. Lol

   How does Melania Trump get ready to dance and strip on stage at her new job? She does a line of coccaine.

   Someone's been spreading a rumor that I'm schizophrenic. Well, 3 can play at that game...!

   I call my peeniss Joe Pesci, because I haven't seen that little guy in years.

   One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’ His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear