Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If casual sex exists that implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   "Military only get one day" said only in june by homophobic peope who cant stuff up

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.

   I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers. Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

   1 down, 98 to go!- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

   I don't know who needs to hear this. But just because it is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.

   I hate to break it to ya, ladies... but those Christmas cookies you bake every holiday season? Not that good.

   IPA stands for “It’s Pee Actually” and I think that’s beautiful

   A group of Karens was having lunch at a fancy cafe. When they were done eating the waiter came over and asked "Was anything OK?"

   weight loss tip: when ordering a pizza have it delivered to someone else's address

   Any chance of you having an original thought, rather than standing on the shoulders of previous ones, Canuck loser?

   I'm stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out this isn't for me but I appreciate the opportunity.

   I moved the clock up an hour before I went to bed last night and when I got up this morning it was still 1943

   My smart washer was compromised the S. Union so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

   McDonald's is making a deep fried pickle covered in a batter...they are going to call it the Mc Dill Dough.

   Dat funny right dere

   Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.

   For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   My car clock is finally right again. My patience really paid off.