Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those losers has decided to become Batman

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says "Is this whiskey?" Elmer says "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

   If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?

   How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing it’s on the house!

   Famous M*G* influencer and frequent F*x News guest, Ricci Wynne, has been arrested and charged with s** trafficking and producing child s***al ab*se material with at least two m*nors. ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER M*G* FREAK CHARGED WITH M*****ING KIDS.

   I don’t date anymore I just foster women until they find their forever homes

   If your hands don’t look like you just delivered a baby after eating ribs, you just didn't eat them right.

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with all the eyes cut out.

   Instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud...

   There is no need for Rolling Stones tribute bands. The real Stones are bad enough.

   Did you know that 36% of women are battered ... and all this time ...I've been eating them raw

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   If you don't like Led Zeppelin, you're some kind of asshole.

   What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill A lambslide

   Why couldn't Eve have just made Adam a sandwich like other women?

   Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

   People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting