Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was up all night again trying to figure out how I would describe Yahtzee to a deaf person without using the jerk-off motion.

   Tonight I'm Invisible Man for Halloween, as in you won't see me at any of your parties.

   All balloon rides are cancelled until further notice.

   We know your from Michigan because You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.

   Chaz Bono should be a weatherman. He is after all partly sonny. sorry I had to Cher.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

   BREAKING: Canada to remove tariffs, if the United States agrees to do the same. Would you look at that… 🤣

   Philadelphia has more assholes than any other city.

   The more I study the differences between the Beatles as a group vs their solo careers, the more I realize that the Beatles as a group could have been easily named the George Martin Project.

   has been marked safe from a kiss cam at a major event.

   Two slices of bread got married... The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   Every dang time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   Starbucks bathrooms are EXCLUSIVELY for terrible diarrhea, right?

   Anybody ever find out what the knights in white sat in ?

   Once a woman is MENTALLY over you.. IT'S OVER FOR YOU💔😭

   My dog understands several human words. I don't understand any dog barks. He must be smarter than me.

   I figured it out. Instagram is for people who read books but only look at the pictures.

   I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while I'm in the store.

   I'm very busy today. So if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me, that would be great. Thanks!