Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My four moods: 1. I need coffee. 2. I need a nap. 3. I need a vacation. 4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.

   Kentucky Fried Tornado

   If humans are involved, the propensity for disaster exists.

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People??

   Trying to intentionally lose a game of Rock Paper Scissors is just as difficult as trying to win.

   I saw this kid dressed as Batman. He was walking around with his alive parents. What a poser.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   I should know better never to drink coffee after midnight as it just turns me into a real night owl whoo can't sleep.

   I was listening to Sirius XM radio yesterday, and "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is" by Chicago came on. I said, "It's 3:19." No response. No "thank you" or "I appreciate it." Nothing.

   Oh, Daylight Saving Time, why hast thou forsaken us?

   Jesus final words on Good Friday " Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday."

   Think about this: The most fun part of golf is when it's your turn to hit the ball. So why is it that the more turns you get the less fun you have?

   Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dads out there who are killing it. This one's for you!!!

   You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.

   Dang, I hope that wasn't something we needed... (me vacuuming the bedroom)

   An old man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress goes, "crushed nuts?" "No, no, no" he said. "Arthritis."

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

   Woke means waking up from sleep. Stop trying to change meanings of words.

   Monica Lewinsky was asked last night if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever . She said, "Close but no cigar".