Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I give it a week until someone starts selling dire-doodle puppies.

   "Sometimes you just need to disconnect and enjoy your own company"

   I just hate it when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.

   Gary Koenig. King of stealing other's jokes.

   I have plenty of mini boxes of raisins for the Trick-Or-Treaters. (Yeah, I'm THAT guy...)

   When people got too hammered in the 70s: “He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

   The problem with daylight savings time is around midnight you start to feel like you're struggling to stay awake before you realize it's only 7:00 p.m.

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   Did our government only admit to UFO's because we're going to start sending their planets money for aid?

   Inflation: Payback for all that free Trump money. Happy weekend!

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" ever came up with any other phrases.

   I made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.

   US military enrolment has plummeted the last three months because no one wants to join while he is in office 🤣

   A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s not a thing you can do about it now.

   I'm so embarrassed to be a US citizen now.

   The USA is embarrassed that you're a citizen.

   Big investigation to see how much insider training was done. This is huge.

   As I sit here kind of hazy, I wonder is it me, or all the rest who are crazy?

   We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails!