Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not the stab in the back that hurts you. It's when you turn turn around and see who's holding the knife.

   I carry moist towelettes in my wallet instead of condoms. I run into Buffalo wings way more than I get sex...

   I just heard a commercial on the radio that said your hair loss has to do with your jeans. I guess that's why I still have all my hair. Because I don't wear jeans.

   You know how old I am? When I was in high school if someone had their underwear sticking up out of their pants we would have given him a snuggie.

   he actually golfing with Sauudi royal family instead of attending the transfer of 4 US soldiers who died in Lithuania? As his BS tariffs are sending stocks PLUMMETING for the second day? He literally doesn't give a damn about us. We've been duped.

   Got pulled over by the cops last night & he asked me if I had a police record. I said, "Yes...'Every Breath You Take' & 'Don't Stand So Close to Me'

   The coffee shop had a sign that said: “No WiFi, pretend it’s 1973!” So, I paid 10 cents for my coffee and lit a cigarette.

   So, like... no one's talking about eggs anymore?

   Gas prices going down due to oil falling. lets here you whiners now.

   5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants. Now they're tenants.

   shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

   With high gas prices don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers paying for their own gas or go get it yourself.

   A Karen just yelled at me in a parking lot that dressing up as a hobo for Halloween is offensive to the homeless people. But I was just wearing my regular clothes.

   Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?... More like Rudolph the Brown-Nosing Reindeer.

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   I will restart the entire song if you breathe too loud over my favorite part

   it possible to get herpes over the internet? Asking for a friend who's dead meat when my wife, I mean his wife finds out. Come on, she was hot!

   His numbers are plummeting. Fun to watch 🥳

   I give it a week until someone starts selling dire-doodle puppies.

   "Sometimes you just need to disconnect and enjoy your own company"