Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

   No matter how much they insist, never ever play Leapfrog with a Unicorn.

   Newsflash: the chat that was leaked contained nothing of importance. No classified info. Dems just stirring up nonsense as usual.

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to wrap everything you own in tinsel and hope for the best.

   The vast, vast majority of people on the planet recognize what a piece of human garbage he is. When are you going to wake up?

   Where’s the child sniffer at these days? Oh yeah..he’s riddled with dementia so they have to hide him from the public.

   OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth.

   Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue? Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

   I think calling them maggots is insensitive... they should be referred to as larvasexuals.

   My wife is a s3x object. Every time I want to have s3x, she’ll object.

   Do you have at least 15 tattoos? – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2025

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.

   Rise and shine! What are we melting down about today, lefticles?

   My dong was in the Guinness Book of work Records. But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

   Female bodybuilders are tight, cut, buff, toned and defined. With the face of a man.

   While you're cheering for your favorite NFL team in a publicly funded stadium, how about publicly funding some disadvantaged child's school lunch?

   Disney World is a lot like Viagra. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

   Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.