Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   I like my coffee so strong it shows up on a drug test.

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

   Watching Biden wander around the white house (his house), completely confused, while no one wants to talk to him. Funny... but sad... but still funny.

   When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:00. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could go to bed any time I wanted. That turned out to be about 9:00.

   I saw a mosquito stand on my arm and let it bite me while I just stared and said "is it in yet?" to make it feel insecure about itself.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But somehow it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

   Taco Bell does a better job of making Mexican food that Beyoncé does making country music.

   Went for a check-up this morning, everything was normal, except the doctor began to put his glove on and add lube....... I need to get a new dentist.

   I'm already losing an hour on Sunday for daylight savings time. No way in hell am I losing more by watching the Oscars!

   I Have A Cat Name Milk And He Eats Milk

   When you push a pull door and someone says, "You have to pull". Like yeah, my next plan was to start lifting it from the bottom.

   At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Oreo Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?

   MARTHA ! You do have your medicare card. I don't blame you.

   Today's tip of the Day: If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   Shiny, pointy nipples! Oh, sorry, Facebook wanted to know what was on my mind

   There are people who think the moon landings were staged, the holocaust never happened and the earth is flat. Yet they hang on every word on the message found inside a fortune cookie.

   I wonder how was God able to find some wise men when most of us men don't even know how to stop and ask for directions when we're lost?