Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

   Do people actually believe in their ridiculous conspiracy theories, or are they just trolling?

   I don't know what I'd do without Instagram there to show me unrealistic photos of women I never see in day to day life.

   I just had a physical. The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "You mean like bacon and burgers?" He said, No, fatty. Don't eat anything."

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said, "If it gives you more trouble let me know".

   To all politicians: Keep sending me texts and I can promise you one thing - I won't be voting for you!

   Maybe we were too hard on JJ Abrams for "Somehow Palpatine returned."

   Being human requires no apologies. Being a jerk does.

   The only bad thing about my seven figure salary is that it includes a decimal point.

   Bills are like hominy; better when you don't have any on your plate.

   My plants got a fungus from that STD florist

   Will one of you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She had leprosy. I got tired of picking up after her.

   Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the one on the menu.

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   Back in my day, we didn’t scroll—we farmed! I remember when this was all FarmVille.

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

   So, the JFK assassination files have been released. They say nothing. What a shocker. 😂 So anti-climatic. Like having sex with the first lady.

   Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.