Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This may not be my Circus, and these may not be my monkeys . but I know all the clowns .

   I drove to town today to pick up my replacement glasses , you wouldn't Believe the people I ran into .....

   If I am ever at death's door I am leaving a flaming bag of poop on his front steps

   Jim Morrison was right. People are strange.

   Guys, when a woman is angry, just tell her she is overreacting. She'll realize you're right and then she'll calm right down.

   With the shortage that's going on ..Are any of the pregnant men donating their breast milk? Or are they keeping it all for themselves,

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, yesterday I saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   Instagram: A display of women with zero self-respect and we men are ecstatic over it.

   April showers bring Mayflowers... and we all know what Mayflowers bring... PILGRIMS!

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   Don't let your Facebook balls get your real life teeth knocked out.

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.

   The economy wasn't fine. But it was doing much better. It was seeing fantastic growth. And now that's finished with. You just watch how bad it gets to the next six months.

   Take your age and add 5 years to it. That's how old you'll be in 5 years.

   What train system connects Oyster Bay to Mussel Beach? Clamtrak.

   Fair warning: If I see anybody wearing a Santa Claus hat before Thanksgiving I'm going to give them a wedgie, whether I know them or not.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   I went to the doctor thinking I might have arthritis, I don't. Turns out I have early onset rigor mortis.

   When I die, I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the Jack-in-the-Box song just to see who has the guts to crank it.