Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beyonce and Taylor Swift said they are sending their prayers to the fire victims in California. I feel like such a jerk. All I did was send them money.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small!" -Mrs. Grinch

   Never in the history of Calm Down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

   Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

   Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. You're actually still defending him! You people really are f*cking nuts.

   I like to put Aunt Jemima next to the Uncle Ben in my pantry. I'm hoping for a love connection.

   I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.

   I have to make it to heaven, I want to see Circuit City and Blockbuster again.

   Last year, every other message here was attacking Biden and praising Trump. Now, almost every single one of those people are gone. Because they finally realize what a loser Donald is lol.

   ...and the meltdown continues!

   If the "Why does the lgbt get a month, but veterans get a day" people actually cared for the military theyd know the military gets multiple days and months, also they would mention "why does the military get one day"? during any other month

   Some people eat bananas for the shape and it shows

   Ex-Trump fan here. He's been manipulating the stock market and its obvious this is insider trading. I wouldnt never vote it for her but if I've known this was going to happen the last three months I would have never voted for him. This is all making me si

   I bought a vintage Cadillac and developed a nasty cough. It was a Croup de Ville

   The sprite from McDonald’s could probably fry some chicken

   I like the Old Normal better than the New Normal.

   When you have absolutely nothing to smile about, do it anyway. It pisses people off!!

   I just had a cop knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both as he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

   Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls... I was in the women's bathroom.