Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just accidentally swiped right on my ex's profile while scrolling through Tinder. My thumb must have been possessed by the ghost of relationship past. Had to perform some emergency thumb CPR to swipe left!

   If you think a bunch of billionaires woke up one morning and decided to have your best interest at heart? You're a special ***ing kind stupid.

   I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse today. I named it Jake from Steak Farm.

   When I Went To The Market I Saw A Lady Carrying A Baby Up Side Down

   If you're ever wondering who your real Facebook friends are. Delete your account and see who calls....

   A group of 25 people all huddled yelling You're a sheep as I walk into the store and put my mask on. And ask me for a beer as I walk out. Baaaah NOPE!

   Just when I think I'm not a very good Catholic, I remember that the previous Pope wasn't a very good Catholic either.

   BREAKING: The Edmonton Oilers just pulled an Ed the Zebra—broke loose, dodged the Florida Panthers, and soared into OT glory like they were being airlifted out of Florida.

   A fun Independence Day depends on your number of dependents.

   You know you are older when..you have to cross your legs to sneeze!

   How 'bout dem EGLSES!

   Don't regret past mistakes. Your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. (Disregard this post if in prison)

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Platypuses are the only animals that produce both eggs and milk, making them portable sources of omelets

   I'm glad McDonald's doesn't sell hotdogs. I'd feel really awkward ordering a McWeiner, and don't even get me started on Super Size.

   Whoever named it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti missed a great opportunity.

   An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

   Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That's why I think of jogging every morning...

   How did people know when Edison got the idea for the lightbulb? If it didn't exist yet, you wouldn't see a lightbulb above him that he just had an idea

   'm cleaning house and thinking that I need a car that runs on dog hair.