Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter whether you liked the halftime performance or not, one thing is certain. That dressing room stunk afterwards.

   Dear Autocorrect: It's never "duck." It is NEVER "duck."

   Life in Kentucky is weird, for example we can't make ice anymore because the old lady with the recipe died

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   We got a new 12 pack of large eggs. Looking to trade for 2022 or newer Range Rover with low miles. DM for pics of the eggs.

   They say do something today that makes the world a better place….so I’m getting drunk.

   I just vacuumed up a nickel and it sounded like the crescendo from Ride of The Valkyries.

   Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

   What's the difference between most hispanics at the border and stoners? Storners have papers.....

   I will never drive a Jeep because you have to wave at other Jeep owners and I don't need that kind of pressure in my life.

   Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to “Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!”?

   The world has officially gone full-on crazy. At this point, the best thing we can do is make some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show.

   The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

   Due to lack of punch buggies on the road nowadays, the new game is Tesla Sass Slap.

   Saw a homeless guy's sign that said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So l kept my dollar... just in case he's right

   Some say the 1950s were not so great when it came to racism. Okay, so we fixed that. So, how about you blakcs step up and stop being naggers already.

   What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

   As an electrician, I always hated grounding my kids

   A hookah is just a glorified bong. Change my mind.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.