Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It turns out as you get older you don’t actually figure anything out, you just don’t have the energy to care anymore.

   If it takes 2 to make a baby, how come only one gets to decide if it can be born.

   Soon you’ll have to pay extra to have the plane land right side up

   ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

   I bought a new stick of deodorant last night. The instructions said to remove the cap and push up bottom. I may be walking funny now, but my farts make the room smell baby powder fresh.

   Dense fog advisory. Couldn't you just say its moisture content doesn't go all the way to the top stratosphere? Calling it dense seems pretty insensitive.

   Don't buy plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced all natural skeletons are more environmentally friendly.

   I don't stand for women's rights. I sit for them... and have them bring me a sandwich and a beer.

   Someone stole my identity... And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said, "So sorry man. Hope things work out".

   Has anyone noticed that the folks who claim,, "Eating turkey on Thanksgiving is cruel and unethical", just happen to also be the "Pro-Choice" crowd?

   In an effort to repay her $20 million campaign debt, Kamala Harris has scheduled a fight with Jake Paul.

   It's tax time. Every time we drive up to our new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You two weren't tailed, were you?"

   Will never understand people who look both ways before entering the traffic circle?

   I'll never own a German Shepherd dog. Have you ever noticed how many of their owners go blind?

   Hey bro, just because you have on a Tapout shirt doesn't mean you can't get your arse beat!

   Elon Musk has given a whole new meaning to the term Flipping the Bird.

   Dump means it, or doesn't mean it, or didn't mean it but now means it, or he meant it but now doesn't mean he meant it, or he didn't mean he meant it but now doesn't mean he means it, or he does, or he doesn't, or maybe he's a stupid f*cking lying cvnt

   Q. What do men want in a woman? A. XX chromosomes.

   If everything tastes like us, then why do we have to die? –Chickens

   Our entire planet is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere placed on a shelf in an alien student's classroom as a science fair project that got a C minus.