Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New report: JSOC actually used Usama's iPhone 4 to track him.

   I've started acting like my great grandpa when people are at my house, I sit in my favorite chair and hand them a dish of sh*tty candy.

   Well it turns out, the answer wasn't at the bottom of the bottle, I guess I'll have to check in the other 23...

   With science makes odorless chemicals, why again don't we have odorless alcohol?

   One day I will find a wife. Don't know who's, but I will find her...

   Valentine's Day: Reminding unhappy single people that they're unhappy & single since the 19th century.

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch. The difference between being regarded flirtatious or a stalker is even shorter.

   walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.

   How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can’t find them?

   I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds without meaning.

   Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy

   Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks real cool, hanging from my car's rear view mirror.

   What do I like most about people? Their dogs....

   Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.

   One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.