Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How fitting is it Hugh Hefner died on hump day

   Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

   FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

   turning my gender off to conserve energy

   My wedding will be open casket.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   Never ask a woman Her age, a man His salary and 'The British museum' on how they got so many artifacts.

   My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is finding mysterious crumbs on me for the next seven to ten work days.

   A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.

   The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

   Went to the fifth largest city in France for vacation. It was Nice.

   Does any one want 200 broken triple A batteries? There's no charge.

   I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

   A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

   The first rule of passive aggressive club is, y'know what, never mind, it's fine...

   If I’m looking for discount clock parts, should I go to a second hand store?

   I don't knead your dough, but my bread machine does.