Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.

   I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582

   [at the auto parts store] Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chrysler Counter Guy: What size engine

   The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

   My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

   My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

   What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

   I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace.

   There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

   Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

   Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.

   It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

   You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

   I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce

   From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

   I quit my job as a treadmill tester. I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.

   Direct deposit: $1400 Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom

   I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there