Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at the age where I don't party hard I party mildly.

   I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't

   they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me

   You can never go wrong with medieval technology.

   It sure seems like a lot to learn before a second rodeo...

   Just accidentally took a drink out of someone else’s glass, tell my mom I loved her

   I'd love to hang out with you, but this nap isn't going to take itself.

   So a robot can't figure out which of these pitcures contain a stop sign but anyway we are letting them drive big trucks?

   Alcohol kills!....But on the bright side of that, if it wasn't for alcohol most of my friend's would have never been born.

   This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads

   My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.

   Which one of you guys posted that ass ugly selfie that broke facebook??

   Before writing "Thanks but maybe next time!" I should make sure those Facebook invides aren't for a wedding.

   I don't need an Old Age app. I just need a mirror.

   Someone greased my downward spiral.

   shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

   Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach. Please RT.

   Spent most of my early twenties trying to open a pistachio.

   "Life's too short to remove USB safely"