Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

   Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

   Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

   I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

   I'm getting through the elections without a headache by using a wonderful Facebook feature you can find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

   My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

   Fill in a gap in your résumé with “Haunting a lighthouse.” They can’t check.

   There are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

   Aliens probably ride past Earth and lock their doors.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

   Me at McDonald’s with my $1400 stimulus check: sir the ice cream machine is broken.. Me: how much does it cost to fix it.

   Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

   "Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"

   Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?

   Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?

   You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face

   Hey Greg, you forgot to add the stripper that gave you chlamydia to your minivan stick family.