Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Never trust atoms. They make up everything

   My exercise program consists of following women at the store who are wearing tight yoga pants.

   I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.

   Shouldn't a female Pit Bull be called a Pit Cow?

   Congrats Khloe Kardashian! You're father was granted parole!

   Eclipse glasses for sale. Slightly used

   I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."

   My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."

   Robert Kraft's prostitution arrest. Voluntary exchange of sex and compensation between consenting adults. Kinda like marriage.

   Dear R.Kelly you have no idea how much trouble Urine

   I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.

   [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

   me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they worship satan.

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   Ladies, we are not officially old until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of our faces.

   "China is beating us badly in every aspect. Even buidling the wall."

   So does Caitlyn Jenner get a half-day off? #Daywithoutwomen