Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty wild how we used to eat cake after sum1 had blown on it..Good times

   Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

   Looking at people posts I think facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “What’s your problem today!?”

   Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

   So, how's that "I wouldn't live anywhere else" thing working out for you New Yorkers?

   I got kicked out of the threesome for singing “You’ve Got a Friend In Me.”

   Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right now.

   If the paleo diet works so well, why did the Flintstones need vitamins?

   There are GOOD COPS and BAD COPS. It is time for more people to shout out the BAD cops and thank the GOOD cops.

   So Bayer is buying out Monsanto and will be retiring the infamous Monsanto name. Rest assured that going forward, industrial-strength agri-chemicals will be no more dangerous than Aspirin.

   Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if he knew his descendent would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees you and your man bun.

   GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died! ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

   I bought a camo shirt the other day and now I can't find the damn thing...

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

   What do Beer producers bother with an expiration date. Who are we kidding?

   Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.

   Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing