Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love is best when it overflows freely from the heart, rather than you having to reach in to get your fill.

   My job on Fridays: Working just hard enough that the screen-saver doesn't come on.

   I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

   finding when it comes to chickens, talk is cheep

   I sing along to songs I don't know the lyrics to.

   For my visit to the bank tomorrow, I've packed lacy lingerie, chloroform and a chainsaw. One way or another, I'm getting that loan.

   buying an oompa loompa on E-bay

   I'm going to name my dog Curiosity and see what my cat loving friends think about that.

   Why is it a relationship often turns into a relationsh*t?

   You know you have a Facebook addiction if seeing the movie "The social network" is your Friday night fun!!

   If I ever go blind, I'm going to set up my entire house with strobe lights. That will really freak out my neighbors.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

   I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!

   I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.

   They say sex cures everything, but this broken foot isn't getting any better.

   It seems like every time Donald Sterling opens his mouth it is just to change feet.

   I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.

   Either I need to up my dosage or my income.

   oh the good ole days when music videos were the same length as the actual song

   I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish