Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone says, “…please don't take this the wrong way, but…” Prepare to be judged by someone who wishes to judge you, but doesn't want to feel like an ass about it….

   umm I don't consider that a one night stand... That was a audition..

   Alright, who else here thinks Combos pretzel snacks look suspiciously like Snausages dog treats?!

   Dear REALITY TV: You're doing it completely wrong. Sincerely, REALITY

   I love you like a fat kid loves cake, but lately that fat kid has been on a diet.

   I'd appreciate if you'd stop calling me, but I'll probably respond if you decide to text

   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

   A friend of mine told me he doesn't drink beer. I wonder what he does with it?

   People say hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who "rested to death?"

   Let me know if anyone's hiring right now... I specialize in destroying alarm clocks and petting kittens.

   married the perfect woman. You know how he knows? Simple. If something goes wrong, it's never her fault. It's always his.

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   my girlfriend called me a useless druggie today. I almost fell off my unicorn.

   Run faster I hear banjos!!!!

   Yeah, its nice you wanna tell me about yourself, your life is an open book. But how about we skip to the chapter where we hook up.

   not in a good mood, but I'll fake it 'til I make it.

   And then I was all like: "I'm really getting sick of your sh*t." And then she was all like: "To speak with a representative please say representative..." UGH!!

   There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

   wondering who ever came up with the saying "taking candy from a baby" as being something easy. I don't think they have ever tried it. I would rather take a salmon from a grizzly.

   they say a way to a mans heart is through his stomach, but with this knife I know a shortcut through the chest which ain't far from it.