Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People always tell me that I should follow my dreams. Last night, I had that dream where I was in school, but I was naked in front of the whole class. Off I go! I might need bail money.

   Do not drunk dial or text tonight. Note to self: come back and read this at 3am

   Don't be sad, if you think you're not important to someone....or something, Just Google yourself.

   My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.

   There's no room for demons when your self possessed.

   thinks that if you ever try and fail, you need to erase all evidence that you tried.

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."

   Oh the weather outside is frightful, but my scotch is so delightful

   starting to think that Santa's just not that into me...

   Don't you miss the times when your parents were your favorite people in the world? When boys, drama, and nothing else mattered to you except how to avoid naptime? I know I do

   It's hotter than the devils fart outside!

   Don't worry... I'm a doctor on the Internet.

   Yes, I admit it. I want to see the Dalai Lama arm wrestle the Pope...

   With all due of respect, I would love to be able to walk up to you and offer you a big, nice cup of shut the f*** up.

   I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

   I have a cold. it makes my voice sound like a sexy pirate."

   Cool slogan for the new Facebook movie: "See it with someone you never talked to in high school."

   The A/C in my office isn't working and has now officially become an employee.

   loves a man in uniform, unless he's in my rearview mirror.

   Funny how people get easily buzzed about the new iphone and droid phones. Meanwhile, China and Japan are sitting back laughing at us with their better (possible) 5G phones.