Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

   I've been trying many different kinds of cheese lately and I began to realize that putting it on a cracker can interfere with subtle differences in the flavors, so I started squirting it into my mouth right from the can.

   The only reason I wear glasses is so I can take them off and rub my eyes when somebody does something stupid.

   When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

   Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

   Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

   DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.

   I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

   Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

   If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

   Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away

   October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

   Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

   I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.