Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV

   I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.

   Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.

   "Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung

   I can usually figure out many parties I've been to lately by counting the extra lighters I woke up with in my pocket.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice

   apperently the world is ending today.....just got my surf gear ready....just in case that tsunami decides to come.....have to ride that shyt before I die :D......LOL

   A fool is a wise man's ladder.

   Our inner demons would get along wonderfully.

   I have the need for speed...and $125 for this ticket.

   "There are no stupid questions" - People who have never tried to watch football with their girlfriends.

   TIME SAVING TIP: Don't bother

   Sometimes I look at all this cool stuff I own and realise that I probably wouldn't have any of it if I was married.

   i wish my bottle of vodka could cuddle back :/

   Sex, Food, Sleep, & Poops. General male happiness depends on how good these 4 things are at any given time.

   Good thing I formed a secret neighborhood watch. Based on my inventory of my neighbor's trash, there are some weirdo's around me…

   Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.