Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If its good, it's wonderful, if it's bad, it's experience...no regrets.

   I think I smoked less before I quit smoking.

   Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask

   came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

   My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

   My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

   sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

   I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

   All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.

   Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?

   I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

   I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

   Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

   Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid

   I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs

   You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

   Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

   What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."