Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The 7 deadly sins? Um... male camel toe, spamming, paying by check, using ALL CAPS, bogarting, leaving the seat up

   I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

   do tree huggers buy toilet paper?

   Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.

   Hey, Remember that time I told you I thought you were cool? I LIED.

   yes I am crazy...whats your excuse? :)

   I'll bet the watch I left at home feels naked without me.

   wondering, Just how do I get in contact with Paul the octopus during football season?

   what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Try telling that to a heart attack victim.

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away...if you throw it precisely.

   theres nothing like the rush you get when you color outside the lines...

   ‎9 out of 10 people believe that out of 10 people 1 will disagree with the other 9

   Are there Middle of Nowhere souvenirs? Because I've been there quite a few times but have nothing to show for it.

   Life is full of secrets and lies, so when you get screwed over, don't act surprised.

   No, I don't want to "Like" your business on Facebook. I barely "Like" you.

   I'm not naughty! I'm just mischievously creative!

   not a fan of becoming overweight and bald, but is even less of a fan of doing something about it.

   Someone stole my identity...its okay though, they gave it back when my kids called him daddy

   biggest reality of life - DEATH

   In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take