Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that one day I may care......but not today

   Disney World : A people's trap operated by a mouse.

   I should really stop confusing sign language for kung-fu.

   Has anyone ever realized what a klepto the little mermaid was...? Kids, it's okay to steal things as long as you keep them in your hidden cave, and sing about them.

   Thank you drive thru worker man for not only making me ask for ketchup but for also giving me only 2 packages for my large fry.

   coffee: The gasoline of life...

   there is no status update....only zuul

   Can Atheists get insurance for Acts of God?

   ust heard that half the French football team wants to throw up their hands in defeat and give up on World Cup while the other half of the team wants to join the Germans.

   If NASA is looking for anyone to go on a long term trip to Mars I would gladly volunteer right now. Anything to get the hell of this crazy planet would be good actually.

   "I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

   I think the kid's gotten too big and fat for the show to be able to call itself "Two and a Half Men" anymore.

   My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

   My wife spilled iced coffee in her lap and asked if I’d like some pumpkin spice twatte.

   To all of you Hill@ry supporters out there ..... It might be important to note that Wikileaks has NEVER had to retract even a single story for False Information ..... Period. In short ... They are all true.

   People go on and on about the length of Subway's sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?

   I planned on being productive today, then the voice in my head laughed and laughed and we took a nap.

   I'm hungry,, but the only thing in my fridge is Zuul.

   Fellas; There's no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.

   My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."