Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   after today the rest of the world will get "FOUR MORE YEARS!" without having to hear about the US election.

   No matter how useless you feel, take pleasure in the fact that you're someone's reason to masturbate.

   My new dentist didn't even make me take off my pants, I don't think he's a real dentist.

   Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they truly are.

   Rachel Jeantel is the new Kato Kaelin.

   I hate arrogant people. It's like they think they're better than everyone. No one is better than me.

   I'll bet I can do less push ups than you.

   I refer to my former wife as my XBOX.

   Building credibility on Facebook is like having sex with a blow up doll and telling people you get laid all the time!

   Today's facebook Status update is brought to you by the letters "B"..and ored!

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember things could be worse, you could be from cleveland.

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   If Goth kids are supposed to be "non-conformist," then why do they all look alike?

   bathtub cleaned, condoms hid, fruit bought/displayed...bring on the parents!

   I literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.

   its not Christmas time yet and Starbucks is holiday happy. We still have to get though thanksgiving people.

   hears there may not be any football in 2011, and would like to thank the Dallas Cowboys for preparing us with no football in 2010.

   There r 3 kinds of people in this world.Ones who make things happen,Ones who watch things happen,And ones who wonder what the hell just happened!!!

   looking back those D.A.R.E classes were really a waste of time

   Why do we protect movie ticket nerds behind 4inches of glass and a bank teller with only a pen on a chain?