Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one ever wants to hear monster mash this time of year

   Don't fight stupidity with anger, fight it with sarcasm. Much more fun

   Normal Detroit people are probably pretty embarrassed being linked to "Hardcore Pawn"

   Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days.

   Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!

   If you're eating nachos and not singing nacho nacho man you're probably not as drunk as me.

   So far, my resolution to teach the dog Tai Chi is much more difficult than you would think.

   I've missed a lot of exciting adventures because I had enough money to get into trouble, but not enough to hire a good lawyer.

   I wear my wedding ring on my middle finger to remind me of how f*cked I am

   Which dwarf is Kristen Stewart playing in this new Snow White movie? Her face makes me think it's Sleepy.

   You can't threaten me with Work when I came to Work.

   I'll let my dog ride with me to the store just to wait in the car for the sole purpose of him not assuming I'm doing something fun every time I leave the house.

   I don't have time to babysit ppl's feelings. Speak up. How I'm suppose to know what's wrong with you?

   I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, as I pop open a beer.

   An "ex" is like jail, if you keep going back then it shows you still haven't learnt a lesson.

   My Ultra sensitive toothpaste hates it when I use other toothpastes

   Just got my dream Job starts next Monday .. Window cleaner in Amsterdam.,

   Don't even TRY a home invasion at my house,,, I've got legions of Lego people ready to launch a campaign of foot pain terrorism at my command...

   Ugly People: There's only so much that photoshop can do.

   some song lyrics are just so wrong.. "I drove all night to get to you, is that alright? I drove all night, crept in your room Woke you from your sleep, to make love to you Is that alright?"...No Roy, it was not alright at all!!!