Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   Let's get rid of Valentines Day and replace it with a second Halloween.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.

   Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?

   so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.

   It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

   It's February. Think now may be a good time to take down your freakin' Christmas lights? Hmm?

   So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?

   If you are thinking about getting married but are unsure, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" Then remember that Jesus was never married.

   Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.

   Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!