Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me: raises hell Hell: put me back down!

   I just read a statistic that someone gets hit by a car every eight seconds. That guy must be hurtin', man.

   Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

   60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.

   Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

   I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

   My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

   *Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

   Me: ready to visit grandma? Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying? Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

   My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

   In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.

   Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?

   Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

   if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.

   I rather be tired from working than to be broke.

   You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.

   A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"

   My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.

   People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.