Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

   A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

   my mom's house is like the one in Home Alone except all the booby traps are emotional

   My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

   I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater

   I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees. [Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

   My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

   Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

   what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

   In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.

   Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?

   Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

   if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.

   I rather be tired from working than to be broke.

   You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.

   A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"

   My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.

   People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.