Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about spotify, is that I can see who I could actually ride in a car with and not want to strangle before we ever go anywhere.

   We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.

   What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?

   Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"

   Show me a kid's reaction to the kissing part of a movie and I'll tell you what time his or her curfew should be.

   The only thing I have in common with people who go on Shark Tank is that I, too, cry anytime somebody gives me money.

   tag: “dry clean only” me: single-use garment? what a waste

   Ladies, if he is calling you a 10/10 he calling you a 1. Do the math!

   Want to know the secret to success? Delete your Facebook account.

   I'm dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

   Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

   The cashier asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag to whom I replied No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container.

   I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.