Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are there any other animals besides humans who communicate unnecessarily?

   just heard Anderson Cooper announced he's gay. Don't worry ladies, you still have a shot at Lou Dobbs.

   How many of you are household pets reading this while your owners nap?

   i went on a pleasure trip this morning. I took my mother in law back to the airport.

   Its funny how head and shoulders becomes head, shoulders, knees and toes, when I run out of body wash.

   7/9 = No bra day! Who is responsible for failing to send me the memo? My day could've been a whole lot brighter

   I delete enough status updates to know that I should never get a tattoo...

   the only way you know who your real friends are is when you change your birthday on facebook and see who write "happy birthday!" on your wall

   Does this mean diaper prices are going down...?

   Osama Bin Laden just found out that his 70 virgins are gay men...too late! Up yours, Osama!!!

   wise beyond my beers.

   If the world is going to end May 21st it could at least end at 7AM not 6PM so I dont have to go to work.

   I don't watch the 10 hr pregame show. My guess it gets to point where they analyze what flavor Gatorade each team will be serving and why.

   Someone needs to tell my apt building that tapping the handle on a shower nozzle shouldn't change the temperature by thousands of degrees at once

   been so busy lately that even Facebook feels neglected

   I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part

   Don't be fooled; foil has a tendencey to glitter more than gold..

   I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.

   M L B suspended A-Rod, proving that cheaters never prosper. They just get $350M and a World Series ring while boning models.

   What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.