Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my shoes are muddy, my knees are scraped and I lost my hat...but it was the best time i've ever had

   I hate it when people CLEARLY see am sleeping then they wake me up and ask if am sleeping.

   Rated R for disturbing violent content, language and some nudity

   marriage is a natural defense mechanism designed to help us overcome our fear of death.

   One of the most dangerous weapons in our time.....Social Networking. And we're all trigger happy.

   Wait, so the 3 day rule applies to calling a girl, and the 5 second rule applies to dropped food? It all makes sense now

   My wife and I always get into arguments, and I always get the last word.. "Yes Dear!!"

   I plan on using a treasure map as my will

   focus on living, dying is the easy part

   thinks if you have a chip on your shoulder, you're missing your mouth.

   Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

   the only person in history to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.

   all of a sudden everyone is a football expert

   The moment I hear the word "inches" in any discussion, I'm already preparing myself for a mental manhood measuring contest. 4 inches of rain? No problem. 22 inch bass? You win.

   Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

   I love how you can make ANYTHING you say sound dirty, just by adding one of those "Air Quotation" gestures.

   you never really realise how sexy a nerd, dork or tomboy can be until you see them in a Halloween Costume.."

   currently starring in your "Live Feed" ... you may also remember her from past sites such as "News Feed" or your original "Home Page".

   It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.

   The Christmas cheer has begun.... American Express commercials just announced if you use their card ...they'll donate ONE SHINY PENNY to charity...... is there any way to spend LESS,,,, nice JOB AMEX