Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe we didn't even WANT to touch it, M.C. Hammer. Ever think about that, you egomaniac?

   "JESUS CHRIST... HOW BOUT YOU MAKE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES PANCAKES FOR DINNER FOR ONCE!!!!" - Aunt Jemima's nieces and nephews.

   who was the idiot who made umbrella handles out of metal? it is like making a shark bite suit out of meat..

   Everyone's blessed with an abundance of something. Money, talent, women, friends, family, etc....In my case, it's belly fat.

   Put blue Gatorade in a empty bottle of Windex and walk around the street squirting it into your mouth! Fun times.

   one word answers are the nice way of saying "f*ck you and this conversation"...

   I can tell I'm getting older because I need flaxseed, coffee, fiber supplements, a laptop, an iPod and a smartphone in order to take a poop.

   Do I hate people that ask questions and answer them themselves? Yes, yes I do!!

   If I don't look like I barely survived a natural disaster after we've had sex, you need to try harder.

   Don't worry if you're sad and lonely and having a bad day, the sun is shining anyway because no one cares.

   There are some people we *want* to offend.

   Take your time, because relationships that start fast, end fast.

   To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really b!tchy when I dropped my son off.

   How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it.

   Send message without subject? Yes, Gmail. f$ck off.

   High-definition ruined porn for me. I like my p0rn blurry so I can't see butt acne and herp scars.

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.

   There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.

   Streaking is all fun and games... until the fat one wants to do it.