Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Haters, ╭∩╮ º.º ╭∩╮ Sincerely, Me.

   It takes a lot of nerve to speak out against gay anything while wearing a sweater vest.....

   My ex is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, four can play at that game!

   My Solution to World Hunger: Unlimited breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden. Oprah, make your move...

   They should let the guy who named a group of crows a "murder" name more stuff.

   My wife and I are into S&M...... She sleeps, I masturbate.

   If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

   There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I'm trying to interrupt.

   This Alzheimer's Easter Egg Hunt is taking forever...

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!

   Just heard the news Bobby Brown is still alive

   As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running.

   I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.

   what the heck is a honey boo boo???

   Hung like Einstein smart as a horse... Thanks dad.

   Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimal of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...

   STOP ANIMAL TESTING...they don't know the answers.

   Steven Tyler is aging pretty gracefully for a clay-mation skeleton, who fell into a pile of feathers.

   A fun thing to do to a friend that was drinking and driving is to put a sneaker on the windshield wiper the next morning.

   Call me a pessimist but I've already eaten the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th in my advent calendar.