Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They only way I'd watch 50 Shades of Grey is if the guy tied up the garbage bag and dominated the dishes.

   Weed in DC? Oh that's really going to slow things down.... oh wait....never mind!

   My friend said that he and his wife wanted to swing by this weekend. I said we'd love that. I hope he didn't mean they wanted to swing bi.

   I talk a lot of crap for someone who can't even put her panties on without falling over.

   Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want them to be alive..

   A Christmas tree isn't going to be the only thing lit this holiday season

   Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

   I can't play the bagpipes but I can wear a dress and squeeze a really fat cat.

   I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime. "Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

   I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.

   My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

   My recliner rocks!

   Alcohol goes in, honesty and truth comes out.

   It's official, I'm not gonna remember unless there's a Facebook event for it...

   Why do we need algebra? ... Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate

   Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.

   They should blast the Oscar Meyer Weiner Song non-stop into Jerry Sandusky's cell for the 400yrs he's in there!!!