Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someday we'll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.

   Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for sh!tty jobs.

   treat everyone as you would like to be treated... except in bed, "that" could be illegal in some countries or religions!

   "just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. "

   Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

   loves long walks...especially when taken by people who annoy me.

   As a man, it scares the hell out of me that North Korea has a missile called the "no dong."

   Facebook partly responsible for flat wide asses across the globe

   i hear hell is hot this time of year..

   This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it's an educated one.

   BP announced today that the oil in the Gulf needs to be changed every six months

   Six different television shows about cake and not a single one about milk. I sense opportunity!

   "I've just about had it with you using up all my patience!"

   It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.

   Thanks for the passive aggressive facebook status about me, but I'm taking the passively passive approach by not caring.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary, its the stupid ones that need the advice..

   i can outsmart a lot of ppl on a computer...it's the real world that makes me look like an idiot

   I've got a pretty good pre-rapture music mix going: "End of the World as We Know It," "Disco Apocalypse" and, of course, "Stairway to Heaven." Any other suggestions?

   If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one way makes you sad or angry...I meant the OTHER way...

   going to go out on a limb here...I think there is a very good possibility Gaddafi just might be the one on hallucinogenic drugs...just sayin!