Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.

   Hallmark has birthday cards out already, and it's not anywhere near my birthday.

   Hope my Facebook friends like my staycation photos! -Me in a chair. -Me on the couch. -Different chair. -Sitting on the bed. -Couch again.

   She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword.

   Why does Victoria Beckham call them boobs and not a Spice Rack?

   I just got my ancestry.com DNA test back! So excited!!! Turns out I'm 61% Italian, 15% Irish, 10% Greek and 14% Alcohol.... Not bad for a Thursday morning!

   The problem with this generation boils down to: Their cartoons suck.

   What happens in the woods stays in the woods, so always keeps a shovel handy.

   If you have a recycling bin full of cans with holes from a 22. Then sure, we can be friends

   Inner beauty is just code for when we go out you're buying your own drinks.

   These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.

   My favorite part of a Niki Minaj song is where I smash my IPod on the ground and stomp on it!

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting .

   Books, like friends, should be few, and well chosen.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   Thinking they need to make pro football and basketball coaches wear uniforms like baseball coaches do.

   I don't have a dog, I eat my own homework.

   What a good morning!* *Facebook status update may or may not contain BS.

   I wish I had one of those Looney Toon Hammers to snooze my freaking alarm clock... Shut The F!#$ Up!!!

   P.S. don't forget to take that stick outta ur ass! ;)