Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being too lazy to go grocery shopping is the best diet ever.

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   I am one chin away from my goal weight.

   I hate that I liked something on facebook that "you" liked

   When your boss says to make your dreams come true, he probably doesn't mean the one where you push him down the stairs.

   I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes.

   Chill ladies. "Hi" is neither a booty call nor a marriage proposal. It's just a greeting...

   Know what's sexy? Everyone…right after I finish my 5th beer.

   "If I get off , It will be on your face" - United passenger

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?

   Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

   Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

   The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.

   God created the world in 6 days but took 9 months to create me, so clearly I’m a big deal.

   Kaepernick keeps taking a knee based on a lie...Michael Brown never had his hands up!

   News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.

   I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.