Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

   If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

   Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   I’d rather see a woman who smoked a joint represent the USA in the Olympics than one who turns her back on the flag. I said what I said.

   People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.

   You can’t say that President Trump hasn’t Tweeted you well.

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.