Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government.

   If you can tell I'm drunk, you need to catch up.

   My girlfriend told me to grow a pear... What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?

   50 Shades of Grey..Girls can't wait to read it and Guys can't wait for the movie!

   Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again

   Harold Camping should star in Southwest Airlines next "Want To Get Away" commercial.

   i am in no shape to exercise

   My "We had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school" story will be about it taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   Car dealerships: it doesn't matter how many balloons you put on the cars, I'm not going to randomly decide to pull in and buy one.

   I think at this point, the Beastie Boys are more concerned about Medicare coverage. Than the right to party

   When writing a resume, it's much more valuable to say you are an expert at "replicate and repurpose functionality" than "copy and paste."

   Dear Alaska, please refrain from gifting your weather next year.

   being colourblind doesn't stop me enjoying life. the other night I saw joseph and his amazing brown coat . it was great .

   I'm really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.

   Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

   Spongebob, it's been over 11 years. You're not getting your drivers license.

   Facebook is worth $100 billion. That's just in lost productivity.

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing

   MTV is 30 today!! Nina Blackwood, Mark Goodman, Alan Hunter, Martha Quinn and J.J. Jackson....you're hard work was for nothing guys "Reality Show Killed The Video Star"!!