Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   #Throwbackthursdays , The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks

   Boys are so much easier to raise... Soda,chips,videos games.. And open the door once a week to make sure they're still breathing and your good

   Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...

   I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You're good to go.

   Ugh,,, You'd think this restless leg syndrome would be exercise enough.

   I once dated a girl who didn't need me to open jars for her. It was pretty convenient but the handjobs were crippling.

   One day the mail man is going to murder my family and the dog is going to be like, "Haha... who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"

   My Shark Week lights are still up from last year.

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.

   Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.

   Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

   You carry yourself like someone with a much higher credit rating.

   "But why?" - Me at weddings

   It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months...

   Just a reminder that no Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since they force Nickleback on the world.

   Does the name “Quasimodo” ring a bell?

   Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

   If LaBron is really serious about winning he would sign with the Harlem Globetrotters

   I have a beard and tattoos why are you still wearing panties? Yes, I want fries. No, I don't want a receipt. Stop changing the subject.

   There are times that I think that her lazy eye is just playing hard to get.