Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up and unplugged the computer.

   crazy people are exhausting!

   Sometimes it seems I spend half my life just breathing in.

   I miss The Oregon Trail. Life seemed so simple when your biggest worry was killing enough buffalo before you died of dysentery.

   No you must have misheard. I said that the job was "below me".

   There's someone outside wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a candy necklace and a tiara. Damn. What am I suppose to wear now?

   You know you're getting old when you no longer buy cereal for the prize but for the fiber content.

   Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

   I think the real question by now is: What is a Klondike Bar going to do for me?

   Happy President's day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.

   Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop

   Nothing can ruin my day like cashiers When they tell me “have a good day”.

   Just remember when you are handing kids candy for coming to your door that you may be creating a future Jehovah's Witness.

   I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them

   based on those Storage War tards, my s hit is worth $3.2 million...

   It's Saturday.. Turning my give-a-crap-o' meter down... █ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂

   Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right.... Me: yes, if I thought you were right, we wouldn't be arguing...

   If anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it's equally awkward for both of us.

   If you take more than 5 pictures of your face and you don't like any, you should probably stop trying and accept the fact that you're ugly

   I am getting real tired of having to put pants on everyday. When does this end?