Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Poland's worst ever air disaster happened today when a two seat Cessna crashed in a cemetery on the outskirts of Warsaw . Polish rescue workers have so far recovered 423 bodies , but expect that number to increase as digging continues .

   I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   So this year I decided to fill out my own tax return, and guess what ... I'm getting back 4 million dollars!!!

   Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.

   man code #3: if your friends zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothing

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   The guy in line in front of me has flowers, condoms, mints, deodorant, and Champagne. It's no secret what he's up to... Whereas my items are less revealing... toilet paper, Perpetration H, Imodium A-D, and stain remover.

   A lawnmower is like a man. You either have to push it or ride it if you expect to get any work out of it.

   Good lord I'd hate to see what Canadians do if they lose in curling!

   likes girls for their hearts. Their big, bouncy, jiggly hearts.

   Tonight at 11: A channel 3 exclusive - How a dangerous game of peekaboo sent two children to the ICU.

   I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.

   Million dollar idea: Chocolate Nerds called Urkels.

   Guys - A few words of wisdom...when a woman asks for your opinion, she doesn't want to hear your "actual" opinion, she simply wants to hear her opinion in a deeper voice.

   Every sentence is a sexual innuendo if you think long and hard about it.

   Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts, and feeling your nuts.

   It is already December 21, 2012 in Australia and nothing happened.

   Sign of the times! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating up our kids.

   I've just ordered personalized license plates that say, "BAA BAA" They should look awesome on my black jeep. O_o

   If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.